My best Tina Fey impression

Not my book. Unfortunately.

I read Tina Fey's funny memoir Bossy Pants in the spring of 2011. In it, she included "The Mother's Prayer for Its Daughter" - a funny take on traditional prayer with funny aspirations for her then three-year-old daughter.

I was so inspired I promptly wrote a prayer for my own two teenaged children, then discovered 1.24 million other blogger/writer moms had done the same. For their children, not mine. Written a prayer, that is. Inspired by Tina Fey.

Ahem.

Even so, I managed to sell this sucker to a couple different publications, meaning - there are people out there who will pay me to write this crap, er, very nice stuff.

But for you? Free!

I hope you enjoy.

First, Lord, I would like my children to be happy, well-adjusted, decent and reasonably problem-free. (Well, who wouldn’t want that?)

I would also like them to roll with the punches when they come, because You know they will, and have the wherewithal to pick out a good head of lettuce at the grocery store.

I pray they don’t get addicted to anything, but if they do, to Starbucks. No harm there, except to the pocketbook.

Please let them know the difference between dark and milk chocolate, and that dark is slightly better for them.

I hope they are never unemployed, but if they are, provide them (please) with the opportunity to pursue a long-buried passion and still pay the bills.

It’s important that they get along with others (because if they don’t, it might be documented in a performance review), and to appreciate dried cherries in salad with blue cheese dressing (maybe not so important, but still…).

As You watch over them, please let them know that people are pretty much the same everywhere. Except in parts of L.A. where portions of the population walk around in insanely tight yoga gear looking really fit.

If they do get addicted to coffee, help them see that Tim Horton’s is a cheaper alternative to Starbucks. And I’m certain You will agree that “things” won’t make them happy, people will; but “things” can add lightness to their day especially if they have the means to purchase comfy Euro-shoes, hand-crafted in some Scandinavian country likely to host an Olympics if they haven’t already.

Maybe You don’t agree on that second half.

Help them seize the opportunity to walk around in a big city on a different continent, maybe London or Paris and appreciate the thankless beauty in sidewalk art.

I don’t know how You feel about cars, but if You can, steer them toward those that ride smoothly, no pun intended, so they can experience the fine art of engineering. (If You could make sure those cars are made in Michigan that would be great.)

May they also, Lord, enjoy anything with caramel (caramel praline ice cream, caramel corn, Dove dark chocolate hearts with gooey caramel insides); and should they make milk and cookies a habit, guide them toward skim milk over whole. Then help them find charm in gravel and dirt roads, and fitted sheets when they are properly folded because that is one tough accomplishment.

Help them, also, embrace technology, always (something tells me that won’t be a problem) but to not use it as a substitute for real relationships.

And finally, see to it, Lord, that they have families of their own, get along with each other as adults, like their siblings’ spouses (because that’s just nice when that happens), and quit blaming me for that Amish vacation, even though it was totally my idea and I really enjoyed it.